Provide loud commentary when you go to a public toilet

You’re out and about with your toddler and need the loo. You head into the cubicle together to do your business.

But you didn’t count on the fact that your toddler will give an extremely loud running commentary and Q&A as you do so.

You know there are other people out there who can hear every word they shout. And your toes curl as your toddler says things like:

‘Mummy, I like your red knickers’ and, even worse ‘Mummy, why are you poking that white thing up your front bottom?’.

The big reveal

Your toddler finally works out how to unlock the toilet door. But he does it when you are sitting on the loo in the middle of a crowded bathroom at a cafe so everyone gets a full on view.

All you can do is shriek for him to close the door and hope he listens.

The overly honest observation about someone you meet

Toddlers notice everything. And when they do they are not shy about pointing it out.

It all gets too much when they ask you, in a VERY audible voice things like

“Mummy, why does that woman have hairs on her chin?’ or ‘Why does that man have enormous ears like the BFG?’.

Ground. Open. Up. Now.

Exposing your lies

You try to cut corners and keep up appearances but there’s nothing more honest than a toddler. They will out you without a flick of an eyelid.

You try to pass off shop bought mince pies as your own for the school fair – they’ll tell the teacher you bought them at the corner shop.

You pretended you were busy to get out of a social event – your toddler will pipe up with ‘Was that the time you pretended to have a sore tummy so you didn’t have to go?’

Repeating sweary words

They struggle to pronounce the word spaghetti but the very minute you slip up and utter a swear word they repeat it perfectly.

They then say it often and loudly. Mostly in front of Grandma.

Being rude about presents

Grandma hands over a brightly wrapped birthday gift. Your child unwraps it with great excitement but then their face drops.

They proclaim loudly ‘That’s not the one I wanted.’ or ‘This is boring’. Mortifying.

Airing your dirty laundry in public

You have a house full of visitors and your toddler comes running into the room waving a pair of your skimpiest, laciest knickers.

Or, even worse, your faded, old maternity pants. And then put them on their heads and start dancing.

All you can do is pretend you don’t know where they came from and hope someone plays along.

Demanding a party bag from the host

You try to teach your child to be grateful and polite but when they go to little Evie’s birthday party, all they can think about is what they can take home with them.

They keep striding up to the host and loudly demanding to know when they’ll get their party bag.

Exposing your body issues to the whole nursery class

You go to pick your child up from nursery and notice a cute display of drawings of ‘My Mummy’ on the wall.

When you examine them a little closer you see a scribbled drawing of you with a huge bum. And they’ve chosen to use both yellow and black pen to expose your roots.

They’ve even added lines round your eyes and across your forehead for your wrinkles. Thanks kiddos!

A public tantrum

You are guaranteed to have to deal with one of these almighty meltdowns in a public place.

Your toddler kicks off, lies on the floor, bangs their fists and makes as much noise as possible. Old women tut and stare. You want to run away yourself.

The most extreme toddler tantrums can occur out of the blue and over the most trivial of things. You can be shopping cheerfully one minute and dealing with a writhing, shrieking toddler the next.